it's okay to go to bed angry.


Because sometimes what one, exhausted, hungry spouse is angry about is dumb, and despite the other spouse knowing it, they apologize so you can both sleep and forget about it. I'm not saying that important issues can be glossed over and not worked through. But if I'm ready to yell because he forgot to take the garbage out and it's 10pm on a Tuesday, you bet he's just making nice so we can get some damn sleep and my hormones can balance themselves out.


Rhys and I sat down and chatted about what we have learned in our year plus some of marriage. What is different now? What have we gotten better at and where can we improve?


What he actually needs from me.

This season has been interesting for us because as soon as we married, our roles flipped. I went to work and he went to school. Rhys did a lot of learning and I did a lot of adjusting. I had to figure out what he needed from me so he could succeed in his studies. In the foreground, I could help him by cooking and cleaning, doing the small things so he had extra time to study. What took longer to learn was what he needed in the background. Stuff that was important to him because of who he is. He needed me to encourage him more, to check in and ask about his lessons. It helped for me to not be a distraction and not need his time as much. I've been learning it's actually not about me. It wasn't before and it isn't now.


Picking your battles.

This to me, means discerning if the issues I'm having are with me, my pride and my expectations, or if it's actually an issue that affects our relationship.

Rhys - I see this is choosing my timing. I've learned not to bring things up in the moment they bother me. I wait on them. If they still bug me a few hours later, when it is not directly affecting me anymore, I bring it up then.



Some things are sacred.

Something we agreed on before we got married is that some things are sacred, and there are only a handful of people we would share certain things with. We recommend this to any couple. We both chose a friend, and told each other who that friend was, that we would share things with. Not for the purpose of gossip or ranting, but to talk through hard things and learn from someone. Everyone needs someone to talk to and sound things off, but one is enough in this scenario.


Quality time = higher quality.

When we were dating, quality time was mostly just time spent together. Now, with the other person always around, quality time is more of an emphasis on quality, than time. When we were dating if we had dinner together and watched some tv each night, we would have felt like we saw each other a lot. Now, that's the bare minimum. Intentional time is needed.


What are something things you've learned in your relationships? Comment and teach us something!


jkh@live.ca

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